I am Alive

A deafening silence overcame my world when I was diagnosed with stage three cervical cancer. Suddenly many, many decisions had to be made quickly about a subject I knew absolutely nothing about. A myriad of doctor appointments, scans, more scans and tests followed. I was 39 years old and within no time, my life had taken the most drastic and unrecognisable turn.

As I went through this daunting process, I chanted the mantra of OM NAMO NARAYANI (I surrender to the Divine Mother) all day and listened to a recording of it on my earphones throughout the night. I held onto the mantra as if my life depended on it, as I still believe it did.

After consulting with highly-esteemed oncologists in New York and Paris, it was recommended that the best treatment in an attempt to save my life was brachytherapy. For seven consecutive days, 24 hours a day I was radiated internally every hour for 20 minutes: pinned down on my back, unable to change position and in complete isolation for the duration. I did not want to have radiation treatment. Radiation was against everything I believed inm as I had always believed in holistic methods for my health. However, I knew I wanted to live and felt, at this point, I had no option and yet, who would choose such torture? Over the seven days, I burnt slowly from the inside and a huge part of me died.

On the eve of the treatment, the horror of my situation began to overwhelm me. So, I sat on my bed and began to draw with oil pastels and a small Sennellier drawing pad. It helped to place my internal terror onto the pages. During radiation, as I couldn’t move, I drew lying on my back, holding the drawing pad in my left hand. After radiation, multiple surgeries and during recovery I sat up to draw. Over the following years, I completed about 900 drawings as I slowly returned to life. Today I am still cancer free.