The learning of what it means to be human

Text: Healing the Trauma. Why do I need to suffer this much? Why this much pain? Remember that this is a path of wisdom. To know the suffering of millions before you and those you may meet and those after you.

Be careful what you ask for.

My drive as a documentary photographer was to understand what it means to be a human being in this world today. I was given this lesson, not from running around the world with a camera but by being stuck in bed with excruciating physical and emotional pain. This journey was my school of learning.

I never chose to suffer. (Who would?)

Physical and emotional suffering were the consequence of intensive brachytherapy radiation treatment, surgically induced menopause and multiple surgeries. At times, the suffering was so intense, that I wanted to end my life. I got really stuck in the emotional pain (stuck… in the thickest mud). The physical pain took years to heal.

However, when I drew this image (above), there was a light of understanding. The suffering was not futile. I had begun to see that there was a lesson in the painful journey. The learning centered around one of the sweetest words I discovered during my return to life: karuna or compassion.

Compassion for myself was a deep learning of love.

Before treatment, I had been really focused on my work as a documentary photographer: traveling extensively, capturing the world through my lens. I was good at what I did. I connected well with people. But I was not good at connecting with my own needs. So, I focused on what I was good at, while I intentionally set aside my own needs.

Then there was the wake up call.

Once I was in treatment and during post treatment, I could not go anywhere. I was stuck in bed having to face my own physical and emotional pain. The pandora’s box of my inner world which had not been tended to for years had been cracked open. I was shocked to see the internal chaos that I had not addressed.

On the journey of integrating this pain and deepening my understanding, I discovered karuna as an act of connecting with myself. The deeper the compassion went, the more present I could be with my own needs and suffering. I was no longer running away from it. I was here. Now. Connected. And for the first time, experiencing unconditional love for myself.

The consequence of this experience is that it showed me the subtle, quiet space where I can be present to another person’s suffering. My profound desire to understand what it means to be human, was answered through my own journey.