They say I am cured - why do I feel so unsafe?

They say I am cured. Why do I feel so unsafe?

Day 10 of 21 days sharing drawings from my book, I AM ALIVE: Creating Resilience and Healing Trauma with Art published by Schilt Publishing, Amsterdam.

This was a strange place to be in. When I created this drawing, I had been given the “all clear” from the medical world. I was cancer free. And when my loved ones, friends and family heard this, everyone gave a huge sigh of relief and got on with their lives. Nathalie is no longer in danger.

It is true, I was no longer in danger but I was far from healed. Being cured and healed are two vastly different worlds.

I still struggled with everything and most of all, I did not feel safe within my body. At night I could not fall asleep because I was fearful that the radiation machine was going to click on (I could not separate the past experience of not feeling safe to my present day where I actually was safe). I also wondered, how long was I going to be “clear” for? Was the cancer going to return next year? The experience felt heavy and very lonely. It was really hard to talk to anyone about this. One friend who had been through cancer, understood. My therapist listened too and week by week, focused on bringing me back to my body through somatic experiencing. I prayed every day. I cried every day. Being alive felt overwhelming.